2023 Recap
Last year was more unexpected than me leaving home, barely an adult, to live in another country solo. How could that be true, you might ask? Before I explain, I want you to think of your recently created goals for 2024. Now, I want you to imagine the whole year, going according to plan. Envision each goal coming to fruition. What does your personal life look like at the end of this year? Career life? Romantic life? Are any of these goals stepping stones to bigger goals? I want you to see this year in your mind again, but make a few changes, so that instead of reaching those goals, you’re somewhere you can’t even imagine right now. Use your creativity. For example: if your goal is to travel to three new countries, you end up buying a home in the suburbs of your hometown, unable to financially travel until next year. Buying a home is something you’re not even thinking about for the distant future, but that’s what ends up happening anyway in this alternate universe. That’s kind of how I feel about 2023. This past year gave me unexpected blessings, but also heartbreak and doubt that I was never anticipating.
Table of Contents
1.New Year Goals | 2.Trials & Tribulations | 3.Harsh Recap | 4.Hope for the Future
1. New Year Goals
As with everyone, I had many goals that I created in January 2023 that I didn’t even come close to realizing. I’m not fluent in Dutch, I can’t play the guitar, and I can’t solve a Rubik’s Cube. But those are largely inconsequential. Those are “filler” goals, in my opinion. January was the first month of being a college graduate, which for me, also meant I didn’t have to spend my evenings after a full day of work, outside in the heat, staring at my computer teaching myself the four P’s of marketing. I had much more freedom, and my intention was to fill it up with learning… but not formal schooling anymore. By March, I had completed the last instruction and course-based requirement between me and going to the PADI Course Director Training Course (CDTC)- all that was left was teaching more courses and students. The end goal was to have all certification requirements to apply for CDTC done by the end of the year. That would make me eligible to apply this February, and be at the training course in the middle of this year. By August 2024, I was going to be teaching my first Instructor Development Course (IDC). Because I was going to learn Dutch, I would be able to give the IDC in Dutch by December 2024. I was planning a big holiday trip with my then-boyfriend for 2025, and planning on spending all of my birthday and Christmas money from the year on more scuba equipment that would be useful once I was a CD. But then May happened.
2. Trials & Tribulations
From September 2021 to May 2023, I was a full-time scuba instructor, who struggled with chronic ear infections from the water and chronic migraines, which were a pre-existing condition that were exacerbated by the infections. I was also starting to notice sinus pressure and blockages, but just sort of dealt with it. I had already had one procedure for my ears, that helped with equalization, but not the infections. Then in May, my doctors suggested that I try coming off of the daily medication I had been on for two chronic illnesses since I was fifteen. Full. Mental. Breakdown. I’m talking several breakdowns a day in front of several people for several weeks. I was almost paralyzed by fear… something I wasn’t used to at all. In my mind, I relied on those medications to function. That’s what I had been told for nearly a third of my life. And now you want me to come off of them? Well, I trusted my doctors’ reasoning and so I did it. Turns out, I don’t need them anymore. Was it easy? Hell no. Did it take months to recover? Yes. I went to physical therapy, started working out from a mere slow-paced walk for cardio, started eating healthier, drinking more water, no alcohol, and keeping to a sleep schedule. But I did it. And I feel better than I have in years. My headaches and migraines are almost none-existent. My symptoms are mostly under control, or at least tolerable during flare-ups. I’ve noticed several positive changes. But then I tried diving, after seventy-five days of working on my health. Those two dives lead to another procedure. Another seventy-two days, and that dive lead to the hardest decision of my life. You can read about that here.
3. Harsh Recap
So, here I am, not diving, which means no CDTC. Didn’t learn Dutch, because I was too lazy. Can’t play the guitar, because I put in zero effort. No solving Rubik’s Cubes for me, because I didn’t try. I cried and vented about it for months, and decided to move off the island and stay with my family for a few months until I figured out my game plan. Being on a diving island, surrounded by divers and instructors, unable to dive… not good for my mental health. But hey, at least learning Dutch won’t be such a big deal anymore, not being on a Dutch island anymore.
4. Hope for the Future
When I left home to move to Bonaire, it was sort of expected. It didn’t surprise my family that I was moving and diving. It just perfectly fit my personality and goals. So, when life’s lemons read “You shouldn’t dive anymore and maybe you should move off island,” I did *NOT* want to drink that lemonade. In fact, I resisted with a, “Can I have orange juice instead?” I started 2023 with a clear plan of making my way to CDTC, furthering my career, accepting daily medication as a part of my life, in a relationship, and itching for the day I was a Course Director. I ended 2023 living with my parents, no career plan (or even idea), off medications, single because I was (and still am) confused and need to figure a lot of things out, and mourning the death of my former dreams. Can I still become a CD one day? Technically, yes. Will I? Honestly, doubtful. There’s a lot that goes into that. I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life now. I thought I skipped the existential crisis of my twenties, but apparently it was just delayed after my first failed career. I did learn innumerable lessons in 2023 though. Ones I needed, didn’t think I needed, didn’t want, and wasn’t expecting. I learned more about myself, was forced to reevaluate my priorities, and made very difficult decisions that I’m stronger for now. This week, I’m sending thanks to last year, making goals for this year, and buying a plane ticket because I need more adventure. Cheers, 2023, and farewell.
